idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
