This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
