I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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