I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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