Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
