All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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