i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
