Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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