like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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