i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
