sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
