she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
