My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
