I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I could fuck to npr.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
