we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
