hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
