Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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