Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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