I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
