Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
