So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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