I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
