it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
