Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
