he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
