shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
