your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
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Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
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"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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