billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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