ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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