i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
