They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
