Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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