god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
