i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
