i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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