my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
