Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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