oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry my hands just texted you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
