A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Even my vagina gasped.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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