You work out of a Hotel?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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