having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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