How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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