I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Come on in and take your pants off
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