it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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