I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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