didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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