When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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