when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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