Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
