I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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