The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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