i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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