Kareoke will never be a sober sport
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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