xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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