At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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