I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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