I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
