i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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