It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
